I’m an artist with a day job – what have I been waiting for?

For some time now I’ve wanted to call myself an artist. I guess many artists struggle with the ‘when can I legitimately call myself this’ question. Typically I’ve been waiting some some external sign of success and, let’s be honest, that could be a lifelong wait or never happen at all. So, I needed to decide to call myself an artist, a decision precipitated by needing to make another tough decision.

I began training to become a counsellor in 2019. After a break I decided to apply to the CPCAB Level 4 Diploma in Psychotherapeutic Counselling course.

Yesterday I was offered a place. Today I declined the offer. And of course I needed to justify this decision and then some, by declaring ‘I am an artist with a day job’.

I have loved the training for the self-development and increased awareness of diversity and privileges. To continue the training for the self-development and self-expression is not enough of a reason for spending the amount of time and money required to complete the diploma. I need to really want to be a counsellor to commit. And the training needs people who are determined to work as counsellors at the end.

This was a difficult decision to make and I’m sure tomorrow I will experience some kind of difficult-decision hangover. The thing that swung it for me was this:

Within my mind/body/brain whatever, with previous training and considering working as a counsellor, I always felt that something was ‘off’. I’ve had this feeling before. I always thought it was imposter syndrome and therefore something I needed to get over.

But what if it’s not imposter syndrome?

What if it’s a sign that I’m doing … not the wrong thing, but …

well, yeah, the wrong thing.

Because to be quite honest, for a long time I have been tired of feeling not good enough at what I’m doing and the dissonance that comes with constantly hearing ‘you’re capable, you’re doing fine!’

If I’m doing fine, what won’t this feeling go away? If I really am capable then why do I feel like I am failing at everything I try?

What if it’s not imposter syndrome? What if it’s true authentic desire trying to push through all my left-brain ‘shoulds’ and interpreted as a ‘you are wrong’ statement – not ‘you are wrong’ in what you are pursuing, but perceived as ‘you are wrong’ as in imposter syndrome. Try harder, know more, do better and you will overcome this.

With art and writing, I often think my creations are not very good and I can pick them apart easily. But this feeling is not the same as the one I have just described above, the ‘imposter syndrome’ feeling. Currently reading ‘The Master and His Emissary’ by Iain McGilchrist, I have used his ideas of the effect of hemispheric asymmetry to thin about this further: Could this left-brain ‘picking apart’ be the real imposter syndrome? I’ve yet to meet an artist that doesn’t generally hate everything they’ve created and yet continue to put themselves through it. This over-critical eye isn’t a sign that I shouldn’t be creating art.

There’s a flip in the feelings: with counselling, a belief I’m just not that good (‘imposter syndrome’) but objectively I am fine and will make a success of the studies. With creating, a belief I am good and objectively I can improve. This ‘flip’ image came to me as I am reading McGilchrist:

“The normal brain appears to have been twisted about its central axis … The brain is not only wider on the left towards the back, but also wider on the right towards the front; as well as extending further back on the left, even a little under the right hemisphere, it extends further forward on the right, even a little overlapping the left”. [1]

I did not know this and I think it is immensely fascinating. I need to finish this book.

Anyway, it got me thinking about this decision I made.

Option 1
Left brain knows I would be successful in counselling training. Society days ‘you are successful’.
Right brain knows I wouldn’t be satisfied. (and would make it known through that niggle of ‘imposter syndrome’). Society says ‘that’s life’

Option 2
Left brain sees problems with my art.
Right brain sees potential.

To which should I pay attention? 1 or 2? Right or left – Buoyant belief or objective anchoring? If I choose buoyancy, why would I choose the less buoyant of option 1 – the one that’s supported by external buoyancy of left brain – you’ve passed, society says well done you?

If I choose the buoyancy of 2, it has seemed to me to bring an internal buoyancy that needs to external life jacket.

This seems like a novel way of making a decision and yet in itself it feels buoyant.

I want to write and paint and create. I feel capable of unlocking inner creativity and I want the time and energy to let that come. I feel I am barely getting started. 2 years of counsellor training would put that on hold. Sure, it wouldn’t be forever, but all that for lukewarm feelings about a career in counselling. I’ve barely begun to walk in my own shoes, let alone learning to walk in others’. I want to wear them properly and walk in them some more.

And this is the issue – this is selfish and arrogant of me, isn’t it? Thinking about myself rather than training to be there for others. Art is all about self expression. There is a freedom there that is difficult to justify sometimes against the things that western societies value.

It’s not that I don’t want to help people. I have to believe that in following my authentic self I will be of more help to others – my immediate relationships as well as through some kind of dissipation at large. Sometimes the only solace I find is in the pile of unread books I own and the thought of getting to read them.

Also helping doesn’t’ have to be formalised, trained, assessed. There are many ways of helping others …

See how I’m in to left brain justifications now.

It’s difficult talking in such a loose woolly way after so many years in the sciences. Perhaps I can learn to embrace creative writing and leave the science to others.

Enough.

I’ve decided:

I’m an artist with a day job. I am here to connect with other artists, whether writing, painting or anything creative, particularly those with a day job, to encourage and share the journey, tips and tricks for staying motivated against general afterwork tiredness and the pull of instant gratification.

References:

[1] McGilchrist, I., The Master and His Emmissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World. 2019. p23.