It will be too complicated to go back and record every tiny insight and discovery in the order in which they occurred, so I start with what appeared to be the turning point for me.
B occasionally uses Focusing and Somatic/Sensorimotor psychotherapy in our work. It has given me a way of visualising my emotions and create some separation from them; to observe them rather that become caught up in them.
The above is a diagram of what I described to B.
The blue felt like a radiating outwards from the centre of my chest, becoming a darker tone as it reached the edges. The red felt like a box around my shoulders and was fairly rigid but with some vibration.
I experienced the blue when B didn’t respond to my email. I experience the red when at work and trying to get on with life. I didn’t recognise these bodily sensations before but can now relate them to specific feelings I get in certain situations, feelings that are difficult to label as emotions.
The blue represents the ‘bad’ parts I’ve disowned, the needy child parts I dislike so much, the wounded and neglected parts. The needy child wants to reach out but I keep her contained. She’s trying to be free, to be seen, to feel special, understood, and cared for. But she feels ashamed, rejected, abandoned and disowned. So, when the needs occasionally escape, those feelings of shame, rejection and abandonment come along too. This convinces me that I have once again been rejected and abandoned, when I haven’t been. The feelings are fossils from the past, but they feel just as they did as a child.
Emotional reasoning – ‘I feel this so it must be true’.
Emotional flashback – unprocessed feelings from the past recur in response to a trigger.
To avoid feeling ashamed, I lock the needs away in the red box, or the ‘Okay Child’.
The Okay Child doesn’t need anything from anyone. She doesn’t want to upset or burden anyone or make them angry at her. If Needy Child comes out she will worry and upset others, so Okay Child keeps her locked away for the sake of others.
Needs are strong. Okay Child can be overwhelmed and fail at times, and Needy Child escapes. She’s outside and taking risks and is no longer fully protected. She’s afraid and sees abandonment and rejection EVERYWHERE, even the smallest flicker of a facial expression. This brings back the emotions as strong as they were originally. This hurts so much. I wish everyone could experience the strength of these feelings for just one minute.
The Okay Child wants to keep Needy Child contained because the needs of Needy Child drive others away (she believes). Okay Child thinks Needy Child is stupid and ruins everything.
They are in constant conflict, minute by minute.
I want to love and be loved. But I’m afraid of the risk, afraid of asking for help. The container keeps the safe distance.
I want connection but fear it. Connection can be broken. Needy Child can break it, and then how do I feel? Ashamed, at fault, there’s something wrong with me. I know that if I connect and something goes wrong (or even if I just perceive it has gone wrong) I will blame myself and feels those feelings of rejection again. Needy Child is hypervigilant due to fear of abandonment, so will see signs of it where it doesn’t exist.
Self-fulfilling prophecy. I produce the very situation that can be interpreted as abandonment. This reinforces the core beliefs within the Needy Child. And the cycle continues.
The Container
Idealises others.
Self-hating.
Fantasy of ideal self.
The Conflict
Seek proximity – keep distance.
Feel like a fraud – self-alienation.
Resentful – I can’t be myself!
Self-doubt.
I have unmet needs and urge to connect. But there is fear and shame attached to needing and reaching out to others.
This work with B, in just one session, allowed me to connect to my bodily feelings in order to make sense of what I was experiencing when I couldn’t find the words.
“We become walking dualities – the containing versus the contained.” – https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/healing-complex-trauma-part-i-path-to-self-awareness-0119164
I found this article my Jeremy McAllister so helpful. It describes the experience of complex PTSD so perfectly.
My container was conditioned to protect my sensitive parts. The container keeps me separate from others as well as myself, from fully experiencing those feelings that are tied up with my contained self. The container expects pain. The contained is too sensitive, stuck in the past.
